I can’t keep playing seconds
by Ayooheather
Summary: Steve wants all of her or none of her
1. chapter 1

He sat on the couch in his old shabby apartment with a beer in his hand. Alcohol didn't have any effect on him but it was the thought that counted. This is where he always went when he needed time away, time to think - his personal escape from reality. He may be Captain America now but in his heart, he will always be just that scrawny little kid from Brooklyn. Steve stared down at the number of missed calls - all of which were from Natasha. He sighed and closed his eyes before tossing his phone aside. It was only a matter of time now before she found out he was hiding here. It wouldn't surprise him if she already knew.

As if right on cue, the door knob turned and there she was. She slowly closed the door before walking over to take the seat next to him before sighing herself.

"Steve. We need to talk" her voice was quiet. He could tell she was refraining herself from reaching over to touch him. He wasn't sure if he felt more relieved or more disappointed by the lack of physical touch.

"There's not much to talk about" he answered without emotion.

"Steve-"

"No Nat." He cut her off, raising his voice a bit. "I'm so sick and tired of fighting with you over him"

"Clint has been there for me. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here right now." Natasha tried to argue. "He's my best friend"

"And what am I?" This time he looked her right in the eyes as he spoke.

Natasha's eyes fell as she avoided his gaze. "That's not fair." Her voice trailed off.

That was more than enough confirmation for Steve. He stood up and tossed the beer bottle against the wall, watching has it shatter into tiny pieces. "Fair? Do you really want to talk about fair? Okay, well let's start off with how this is even remotely fair for me." He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. His mother raised him better than to act like this. "I can't keep hiding us from him." He sighed defeatedly - almost pleading for her to understand how he was feeling.

Natasha remained quiet, staring down at her hands. She knew how hard it was for Steve to keep their relationship a secret from Clint. She just wished he could see things from her perspective. Things with Clint were complicated. She meant it when she said he was her best friend to her but there was always that gray area between them. They had a past and if Natasha were being completely honest, she knew Clint still harbored feelings for her. She didn't want to hurt him with her relationship with Steve. She didn't want to risk losing his friendship but she also didn't want to hurt Steve in the process. It was all too complicated.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly before getting up and wrapping her arms around his waist - savoring the warmth of his body. "I love you Steve." She murmured into his chest. She hated how soft she was when she was with him. The emotional dependency she had grown for him has become borderline unhealthy but it was far too late to fix it now - nor did she want to fix it.

"I love you too Nat" he finally spoke before pulling away from her - dreading the words that were about to come out of his mouth. "But I can't do this anymore."

"Steve-"

"It's okay." He shrugged with a forced smile on his face. "I just can't do this and stick it out, waiting for you to figure things out because in the end, when it comes down to it, we both know you wouldn't pick me"

"That's not true" She shook her head trying to ensure him that he was wrong.

"It okay. I never actually thought you would pick me. I just hoped" he laughed dryly with a slight shrug. "I love you Natasha Romanoff. More than I thought I could ever love someone" He kissed her forehead gently before taking a step back. Every fiber of his being was telling him to stay - stay and fight for her but he knew it was a losing battle. He couldn't force her to choose him over her best friend. It wouldn't be fair for her or himself. He forced himself to walk toward the door and leave, knowing that if he stood there a moment longer, he would lose all the strength to do what was right.

He opened the door and stood there for a second, turning to face her one last time. "For the record, I never wanted you to choose between me and him. I just wanted to be happy with you." He murmured and then he was gone.

It's been exactly one week since Steve walked away from Natasha and it has been hell. He missed her like crazy - missed holding her in his arms and kissing her - he just missed her. It was like an emotional void that took over him. What made it even harder was the fact that he still saw her everyday. They were partners - it was their job to save the world so avoiding each other wasn't an option. At least they were able to keep things strictly professional - only speaking to one another when it pertained to the task at hand which was exactly what they were doing right now.

"Romanoff, stay alert." He spoke through the intercom as he kept his eyes focused on the screen. He hated when the mission required for him to be on standby - it made him feel useless and out of control. The possibility of things going south and Natasha getting hurt drove him absolutely insane.

"Got it Cap" he heard her say back. He envied how easy it was for her to pretend as if nothing were wrong.

All of a sudden, an unexpected boom rang through his earpiece. "Natasha?" He yelled through the intercom - fear pumped through every ounce of his body. "Natasha? Are you okay?" He yelled once more but there was nothing but static. He pound his fists on the computer out of frustration. He could hear Agent Hill's faint voice telling him to remain calm and to not do anything impulsive but he didn't give a damn about orders now. His main concern was Natasha's safety. Steve picked up his shield and immediately jumped off of the quinjet, following his instincts.

"Captain Rogers. What do you think you're doing?" Agent Hill yelled into his ear. "This is not a part of the-"

Steve frustratedly ripped the earpiece - not caring about the repercussions. He'll deal with the punishment later. Once he was on the ground, he raced through the burning building, searching everywhere for the red head. His heart started pounding as panic ran through his body. The smoke was thick, making it extremely difficult for him to breathe - let alone see clearly.

"Where are you Nat?" He muttered to himself.

The flames were getting worse by the second but he didn't care. He was going to find her even if it meant it would kill him. As if God had answered his prayers, he heard a fit of coughs in few yards away.

"Nat" He yelled as loud as he could as he ran toward the direction of the noise.

"What are you doing here?" Natasha asked, her voice was dripping with irritation but he dismissed it and scooped her up in his arms and raced out of the building.

"Put me down right now Rogers" Natasha barked. "I'm not some damsel in distress"

Steve ignored all her protests - not stopping until he made sure he got her somewhere safe.

"I need paramedics now" Steve demanded Agent Hill, who was outside waiting for him. He could tell by the look on her face that he was going to have to explain his actions later but he thankful she wasn't going to lecture him at this exact moment.

"I'm fine Hill." Natasha rolled her eyes once Steve set her down. "I have a few bruises and cuts. That's it." She gave Agent Hill a look that let her know that paramedics was not necessary nor was it an option but she knew the Captain's orders outranked her. She tried to stand up on her own but felt a sharp pain shoot up her leg, causing her to fall to the ground.

"God, would you just sit still." Steve yelled out before kneeling beside her and wrapping his arms protectively around her. He could see the strange look Agent Hill gave them a strange look but he ignored it - focusing his all of his attention on Natasha. It only took a few minutes before a plane landed with the medics racing toward him. He stepped aside to let the medics do their job.

"I think she has a fracture in her right leg and a few bruised ribs." the young man said as he shined a light into Natasha's eyes, prompting her to follow his finger. "I'm going to need to do a head CT once we're back."

Steve stood aside silently with his arms crossed. He watched as they wheeled her off onto the helicopter.

"Aren't you going to go with her?" Maria finally spoke as she observed the soldier carefully. She watched as he softly shook his head.

"So you would jump out of a plane to save her but you won't sit with her on a plane?" She chuckled. "I'm sorry but you are being completely ridiculous. What is going on between you two?"

"Nothing." Steve scrunched his eyebrows seriously.

"Cut the shit" She responded back and raised her hand to stop him before he could interject. "I know, Language."

Steve couldn't help but roll his eyes. "I say it one time and now it's a running joke forever" He shook his head.

"Seriously, we all know about you and Agent Romanoff. There's no need to hide it anymore."

"I'm not hiding anything. There's nothing going on with us". Steve picked up his shield and started back for the quinjet. "Not anymore anyways…" he added under his breath


	2. Chapter 2

Steve hated hospitals.

Before the super soldier serum, he was the poster child for hospital visits, constantly in and out of the doctors office because of his poor immune system or injuries from the fights he would get into with bullies. His mother used to say he had a death wish since he was always so adamant about defending the helpless even if it meant jeopardizing his own safety. Then his mother got cancer and the hospital became his second home - if he wasn't at school then he was by his mother's bedside, making sure she was okay. He was even on a first name basis with the hospital staff.

His mother was the light of his life, the single most important person in his life at the time. His father was an abusive alcoholic that left when he was a little boy, leaving his mother to take care of everything by herself. She worked two jobs just to keep the food on the table but she never complained. It was tough when he lost his mother which is why he came to the conclusion that nothing good could ever come from hospitals.

"Hey Cap." Banner said as he walked through the door with his clipboard in hand.

"Hey Banner. How's she doing?" Steve said forcing himself to look away from her for a split second out of respect to Bruce.

Bruce looked over the clipboard and nodded his head, mumbling scientific lingos to himself, none of which made any sense to Steve. No one understood Banner when it came to science. "She's going to be fine. I gave her some sedatives to knock her out at least until the poison leaves her system. Although I don't know if the poison would leave any side effects. It's weird. It's as if the enemies expected our attack. I'm going to tell have to run a few more tests to see what they laced their knives with to know what we're up against." He began to ramble on.

Steve nodded his head as he stared at all of the cuts and bruises on her body, ignoring Bruce. Right now, he didn't give two fucks about the specifics of the mission. He wasn't Captain America right now, he was Steve Rogers and the only thing he wanted to hear was the sound of her voice.

Bruce stopped pacing and realized that his friend was in his own world. There was nothing but sadness and worry on his face.

"Steve… Go home. I'll let you know as soon as she's awake." Bruce tried to reason with him. His friend had been by her side since the quinjet landed.

"I'm okay." Steve said firmly. The captain suit wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world but he wanted to be here. He needed to be here.

"I figured you would say that." Bruce sighed knowing how stubborn Steve could be. "I'll have a nurse bring some food." He said before turning to leave.

Steve waited for Bruce to be completely out of sight before he reached for her hand. The more he looked at her, the more his chest started to ache. The pain was mixed with anger as he starting to wonder why Fury would even put him on standby. Natasha was his partner and his responsibility was to watch her back and keep her safe. He failed. His angry slowly started to shift toward himself. Since when did a Captain take orders? By the time he actually took matters into his own hands, she was already hurt. This was his fault.

He lowered his head ashamed of himself.

The only positive thing to come out of this mess was there was no way he could deny that he was helplessly in love with Natasha Romanoff. The thought of losing her forever caused a painful physical ache in his chest as if his heart was literally shattering and he didn't know what he would do if he lost her.

He lifted his head and stared at her face. It was amazing how she managed to still be the most beautiful girl despite her injuries.

"I need you to wake up baby." His voice was hoarse from trying to maintain his composure. He forced back the tears that threatened to fall so he could continue talking to her, hoping that she could hear him. "Our relationship has always been complicated but it was okay because I was willing to work through the complicated. Because I love you and being with you is easy. It's easy for me to choose to love you and stand by you through the good and the bad because I couldn't imagine my life with anyone but you. I'm in love with you Nat so I need you to please be okay." He finally broke down into a quiet sob, unable to control his emotions any longer.

A soft knock on the door caused Steve to quickly straighten up and wipe his tears away. He didn't want anyone to see him this way.

"Hey Cap." Clint said as he slowly walked next to him. "How's our girl doing?"

"We're not sure yet." He cleared his throat and avoided making eye contact with archer. He didn't exactly appreciate his choice of words.

"She's a fighter. Nat is going to be alright." Clint placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"You're right." Steve nodded.

"So you and Nat huh?"

Steve glanced over at Clint and saw him looking at Natasha. His voice was emotionless but there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. He almost felt bad for ever holding a grudge against his friend for having feelings for Natasha when he couldn't even reign in his own feelings for her. He had come to the conclusion that it was impossible to fall for her.

"Yeah." He didn't bother to elaborate any further. He didn't have to. "But you already knew that."

"Of course I did." Clint said without taking his eyes from Natasha.

"Then why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Because it wouldn't matter." Clint sighed. "She loves you."

"But not enough." Steve said quietly, looking down.

Clint stayed quiet for a moment. He may have been a professional trained spy but he anything like Natasha - stealth was more of his job description. He wasn't good with words or exhibiting emotions whether it was real or fake. "I've known about you two for a while now. If I'm being honest with myself, I've always know you two would end up together." He admitted with a shrug. "She didn't have to tell me and she didn't need my permission." He placed a quick hand on Steve's shoulder and left without another word.

Steve watched as Clint walked away and then turned back to Natasha. He wondered if breaking things off with her was worth it. What point was he trying to prove? He couldn't live without her - not when he knew what it felt like to be with her. He was in love with her and it was enough. He held her hand and leaned down to lay his head down on the edge of the bed, closing his eyes.

He must have dozed off for about ten minutes because he woke up when he felt a slightly twitch. He lifted his head and his eyes met with hers. She was staring right at him with a soft smile on her face. "You came." She managed to croak out before falling into a fit of coughs.

Steve quickly poured a cup of water for her and held up to her lips, slowly letting the cool water slip into her mouth. She took another small sip before pulling away.

"Of course I came." Steve said as he gently grabbed her face and kissed her urgently. He pulled away and looked her right in the eyes. "Don't you ever scare me again."

"I'm okay." She said as she tried to sit up and winced in pain.

"Hey. Take it easy." Steve said worriedly. "I'm going to get Banner." He walked toward the door and asked the closet nurse to please tell Banner to come as soon as possible.

It only took a few minutes before Bruce appeared.

"How are you feeling Nat?" He smiled at his friend before jotting some notes down on the clipboard.

"I've been better." Natasha smirked.

"That's good." Bruce nodded his head. "You're lucky. I ran more tests and by the looks of it, the poison was intended for Steve."

"What do you mean?" Steve asked concerned.

"The poison was supposed to have a counteractive effect to reverse the super soldier serum. Since Natasha doesn't have the serum in her blood, it didn't have anything to attack. I suppose you were the lucky one Cap."

Steve furrowed his eyebrow as he tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together - then it clicked. "You knew." He turned and looked at Natasha. Fury had benched him from the mission to make sure Captain America wouldn't be in danger and Natasha was in on it. She never went into a mission without knowing the full extent of the mission especially after the winter soldier mission.

"I did." Natasha answered honestly.

"Why would you risk your life?" Steve yelled as he clenched his fists to try to control the anger boiling inside of him. He had to make a mental note to make a visit to Fury as soon as possible.

"Do you really have to ask?" She asked in disbelief. Men were dense but she refused to believe they could be this blind. "I did it because I love you."

"It should have been me." Steve crossed his arms and looked away.

"What?" She forced herself to sit up, fighting through the pain.

Bruce could sense this was a private matter and excused himself quietly from the scene.

"Those weapons were made specially for me. I should have been on the field with you."

"The world needs Captain America."

"And I need you." His eyes were filled with pain and fear and Natasha's heart broke the longer she stared into those beautiful blue eyes. She didn't mean to cause him anymore pain, she just wanted to protect him.

"Come here baby." She reached out to him. He took her hand and she tugged to pull him closer until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. "I'm okay." She cupped his cheek and wiped away the tears that had fallen down his face. The memories of the night of their argument flashed in her mind, reminding her that she could have died and left this earth without letting him know what he truly meant to her.

"I've never loved anyone as much as I love you Steve. And I'm sorry I let you think otherwise." She stared into his eyes making sure that he knew she was telling the truth. The Black Widow was a master of deception. She could pretend to be anyone she wanted and make any emotion come to life at the snap of a finger - but Natasha Romanoff didn't do feelings. It had taken her a while to accept that with Steve, there was no other choice but to feel. "I'm going to tell Clint about us. If you still want me."

"I'll always want you. Forever" Steve laced his fingers with hers. "But you don't have to tell Clint. He already knew."

"I know." She answered. She's always known that he knew but she never had the courage to actually talk to him about it. He still had feelings for her and she didn't want to hurt him which only ended up hurting everyone in the process. "I'm going to talk him. He deserves to hear it from me."

"Okay." Steve nodded his head. "We're going to be okay right?"

"Of course we are." Natasha smiled.

Things weren't going to be easy. Easy went out the window the day they agreed to be Captain America and the Black widow but they were going to be okay.

Maybe it was possible that love was enough.

 _An: I know it's been a while but life happened. I'm sorry it took so long but I hope I didn't disappoint._


End file.
